Keeping Dave Number One

I am grateful for my husband. There are few days on which I don't think about how blessed I am that God brought him into my life. He is tender, kind, dilligent, passionate about things that matter, generous, a good friend, a good cook, and so much more! We both feel like having a child is an expression and fulfillment of the "one flesh" union that is marriage - our child will be from both of us, yet one person. Of course, I want baby to look like Dave and Dave wants baby to look like me!

Although having a child brings much joy, I am also aware that many women struggle to keep their husbands as "number one person" after little ones arrive. The physical and time demands of parenthood make it harder to prioritise their husbands' needs and desires. I am thrilled to be a Mum, and yet I don't want to be primarily defined as one. I am first of all my husband's helper, and one of the ways I help him is to be a Mum. This is one reason why even after the baby is born I'd rather tell people I'm a housewife than a stay-at-home Mum.

I know that many of my readers have been married much longer than me, and already have one or more children. I'd love to hear . . .

* Your tips for treasuring your husband, even in those early "survival" days of parenthood!
* Mistakes you've made and what you have learnt from them
* How you teach your children that Daddy comes first in your heart and priorities (after God, of course)!
* How you treasure your husband in the way you talk about him to others outside the family, and communicate to them that he comes first

And anything else that comes to mind!

Even if Dave and I have 10 children, it is likely that one day it will just be the two of us in our house again. When that day comes, I want us to have a deeper love and trust between us than we do today. I also know that the best thing we can do for our child is to love each other.

Back to the plan

After the change of plan for December's posts, I will now be returning to my blogging plan. You will find more blog posts here at the end of January.

In the mean time, I recommend a couple of blog posts:

Your Sacred Calling, A Single Solitary Article

Passionate Homemaking, A Godly Woman's Work

Year's End

"Year's End", a prayer from The Valley of Vision, is ideal to meditate on at the start of 2009.

O love beyond compare,
Thou art good when thou givest,
when thou takest away,
when the sun shines upon me,
when night gathers over me.
Thou has loved me before the foundation of the world,
and in love didst redeem my soul;
Thou dost love me still,
in spite of my hard heart, ingratitude, distrust.
Thy goodness has been with me during another year,
leading me through a twisting wilderness,
in retreat helping me to advance,
when beaten back making sure headway.
Thy goodness will be with me in the year ahead;
I hoist sail and draw up anchor,
With thee as the blessed pilot of my future as of my past.
I bless thee that thou has veiled my eyes to the waters ahead.
If thou has appointed storms of tribulation,
thou wilt be with me in them;
If I have to pass through tempests of persecution and temptation,
I shall not drown;
If I am to die,
I shall see thy face the sooner;
If a painful end is to be my lot,
grant me grace that my faith fail not;
If I am to be cast aside from the service I love,
I can make no stipulation;
Only glorify thyself in me whether in comfort or trial,
As a chosen vessel meet always for they use.

The start of 2009 is also the perfect time to decide on a new plan for spending time in God's word. Check out this impressive list of Bible reading plans. I'm still deciding what to do. I'm thinking of trying to read through the whole Bible before baby arrives, using the 90 day plan.

Entrusting our dreams to God

We serve a God who can do the impossible. In August two years ago I wrote a long post about courtship, which I’ve summarised in some of these posts. At the end of my article I wrote: “After all this, you have to actually like the person . . . or preferably fall in love! If that all seems impossible, as it does to me often, remember that we serve a big God who loves to see his people happy and functioning effectively for his kingdom.”

I’ve been amazed at how God has answered my prayers. Marriage has been better than I ever imagined, and I still marvel at the way God brought Dave all the way across the world! I rejoice in the way we are able to support and love each other. At the same time, marriage has made me realise again the importance of trust. Singleness is a real trial to many people, especially those who struggle with sexual desires that cannot be fulfilled or with loneliness. Yet marriage can bring with it its own particular unfulfilled longings.

God chose to withhold the gift of children from Dave and I in the first year of our marriage. We always knew he might do so, and that it might even be his will that we were permanently childless. Our marriage vows contain a deliberate acknowledgement of this. We did not promise to raise “our children” to know and love Jesus, we promised this for “any children God gives us”.

Yet despite this mental acknowledgement, we experienced a lot of fear about why we weren’t getting pregnant. Many negative and even sinful emotions emerged. As the seemingly endless pregnancy announcements kept coming, we wondered if there was something wrong with us. Of course, the announcements that were attended with the label “unexpected” were the hardest.

Now that God has blessed us with an unborn child, I am still laying down dreams. The desire to adopt a child runs very deep. Yet if anything, getting pregnant has made this harder. I’ve had to repent of wanting to control situations in order to be able to adopt. Only God will enable us to adopt, just as only God could give us a biological child. It has got to be his dream, not ours.

In the face of unfulfilled dreams, we all have a choice: trust God, or be miserable and without hope. We must say with the hymn Prince of Peace, Control My Will “May thy will, not mine be done, May thy will and mine be one”. This is particularly hard when we know that what we want is in line with the general will of God. Marriage is the general will of God, as is bearing children and the placement of orphans in families. It is right to desire these things, but we must want the fulfilment of God’s specific will for our lives more – even if it means we are denied the very things we believe God’s word leads us to desire.

God does not call us to an emotionless life. Unfulfilled dreams will, at times, be a source of grief. We can entrust our broken lives, and crushed hopes, to God and know that he does not condemn our sorrow. Yet in the midst of this God is calling those who are hurting to trust Him and believe He knows best. As we seek God, He will provide ways for us to serve Him in the circumstances He has appointed. It is in God that we find our ultimate hope and inheritance, not in earthly families and relationships. He wants us to desire Him above all else.

God's plan of adoption

God sets the solitary in families
Psalm 68:6

This Bible verse is the basis for my passion for adoption as a care option for orphaned or abandoned children. Apparently, there are over 100 million orphaned children in the world. These children have been left alone, without a family to care for them. I believe that God’s ideal for each of them is that they would have a loving family. While other care options (such as institutional care) can provide for physical needs, the family is God’s best way of providing long-term love, emotional connection, and social networks.

Adoption is also a concept rooted in the Christian doctrine of salvation. God uses the words adopted and adoption to describe his actions toward us. This is a precious thing to remember at Christmas. We are God’s children because he sent his son to die for our sins, so that our relationship with him could be restored and we could be adopted into his family. God planned for us to be his children before time began “having predestined us to adoption as sons by Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the good pleasure of His will” (Ephesians 3:5).

Galations 4:4 – 7 says:

But when the fullness of the time had come, God sent forth His Son, born of a woman, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, that we might receive the adoption as sons.
And because you are sons, God has sent forth the Spirit of His Son into your hearts, crying out, “Abba, Father!” Therefore you are no longer a slave but a son, and if a son, then an heir of God through Christ.

Keeping the gospel in mind can help us to know how to respond to some of the objections to adoption that are often raised. Many people are hesitant about inter-country adoption, or inter-racial adoption. Remember that God has adopted into his family people of every tribe and tongue and nation. He does not discriminate against any, but meets the needs of all. Christian families do well when they reflect the diversity of the family of God. Many people also have concerns about the child’s background, and whether they will cause trouble in their adoptive family. Remember that although we rebelled against God and even hated him, he forgave and welcomed us into his family.

At the end of January, I hope to post more on adoption.

December pictures

We had a wonderful month celebrating Christmas! Dave loves to decorate the tree.


My sister gave us a bassinett some time ago, and it is set up in our room looking pretty . . .


On Christmas Eve, we had "Nine Lessons and Carols" at our home. This is a worship service with carols and Bible readings and prayers. Christina was to give birth to Eve the next week (who, by the way, is a most beautiful baby).


On Christmas day we harvested some veggies to take to our family Christmas lunch.


Our sister-in-law obligingly took photos of us in my parents garden.

I hope you also had a fantastic Christmas and December.

The best laid plans . . .

I had planned several posts for the Christmas week, and even written them the week before! I'd also decided on some of the photos I'd like to upload. However, I had another reminder of one of my favourite verses:

O Lord, I know the way of man is not in himself;
It is not in man who walks to direct his own steps.
Jeremiah 10:23

Our Internet was out nearly all week, and could not be fixed until this Monday - when we left on holiday! So I'll be posting a few things next week that I had intended to post in December.