I chose South Africa

 

For wherever you go, I will go;

And wherever you lodge, I will lodge;

Your people shall be my people,

And your God, my God.

Ruth 1:16, The Bible

I've been asked many times, "Do you think you could live in South Africa?". This is a question I attempted to answer long before anyone started to ask me. My personal perspective is that you shouldn't marry someone if you are not willing to live in their country. This is why I chose to visit South Africa before getting engaged (you can read about that trip in the travel section of my previous blog). For me, choosing Dave was choosing South Africa.

Since making that choice, I've had many conversations with ex-pats here in Australia. These people have left much that they love in South Africa due to things they find frightening and frustrating. This has led me to feel challenged about my own choice. At times I've felt judgmental and angry with ex-pats. I now see this as a result of insecurity about our own choice to remain open to living there. I now feel secure in the fact that God has every person on a different journey. He is working different things in each family, and that is OK!

I can't know what it would be like for us to live in South Africa - no one can unless they do it! I do know that I have many limitations that could make it hard. These include only speaking one language, being a cautious driver, and seemingly having a learning disability related to keys and locking up houses! I have always lived in Tasmania near my family.

Whether we live in South Africa or not, I've already lived out some of the consequences of my choice to marry someone who comes from another continent. We've spent two months in South Africa since our first trip together in January 2007, on two separate trips. We've together pursued the adventure of taking a tiny baby overseas. I've seen townships, tribal lands, bullet laden security guards, spectacular scenery, and lots of elephants! Friendships have multiplied.

More than that, the problems and joys of South Africa have captured my heart in ways I never expected when I said "yes" to my husband. I've found that I love the place, yet wondered if I am crazy for not dismissing it as a basket case. I want our son to somehow be both South African and Australian, to remain connected to both places, but wonder if it will work out like that. I've felt smidgen of the despair of yet another political disappointment, and a touch of the fear of crime that many cite as the reason for their departure from the country. We've longed to do more for those who are suffering, particularly orphans, but found the obstacles to this discouraging.

We are content in Australia, but remain willing to trade it in for a more unpredictable continent. God will be working his purposes in us wherever we go. Where we are physically is not as important as the relationship we have with God. Wherever we are there are opportunities and difficulties that we are called to make the most of, with God's guidance. God is at work in South Africa, and it is exciting to remain open to the possibility that he may have a role for us there.

Congratulations John and Kara!

I am thrilled to be able to publicly congratulate John and Kara on their engagement. The story of how it happened is recounted here with a satisfying amount of detail! Thanks John. I am also happy to be able to say that I had a small part to play in this, through keeping a blog! The details of that are recounted in John's post. It is exciting to have been used by God to answer my own prayers for John! I also corresponded a bit with Kara, answering questions about John. At some point she may have realised that my replies were somewhat similar to advertisements :) - just joking, but I did have a lot of good things to say! I've been praying for years that God would bless John with a wife, and I'm convinced that Kara will make a good helper for him.

Entrusting our dreams to God

We serve a God who can do the impossible. In August two years ago I wrote a long post about courtship, which I’ve summarised in some of these posts. At the end of my article I wrote: “After all this, you have to actually like the person . . . or preferably fall in love! If that all seems impossible, as it does to me often, remember that we serve a big God who loves to see his people happy and functioning effectively for his kingdom.”

I’ve been amazed at how God has answered my prayers. Marriage has been better than I ever imagined, and I still marvel at the way God brought Dave all the way across the world! I rejoice in the way we are able to support and love each other. At the same time, marriage has made me realise again the importance of trust. Singleness is a real trial to many people, especially those who struggle with sexual desires that cannot be fulfilled or with loneliness. Yet marriage can bring with it its own particular unfulfilled longings.

God chose to withhold the gift of children from Dave and I in the first year of our marriage. We always knew he might do so, and that it might even be his will that we were permanently childless. Our marriage vows contain a deliberate acknowledgement of this. We did not promise to raise “our children” to know and love Jesus, we promised this for “any children God gives us”.

Yet despite this mental acknowledgement, we experienced a lot of fear about why we weren’t getting pregnant. Many negative and even sinful emotions emerged. As the seemingly endless pregnancy announcements kept coming, we wondered if there was something wrong with us. Of course, the announcements that were attended with the label “unexpected” were the hardest.

Now that God has blessed us with an unborn child, I am still laying down dreams. The desire to adopt a child runs very deep. Yet if anything, getting pregnant has made this harder. I’ve had to repent of wanting to control situations in order to be able to adopt. Only God will enable us to adopt, just as only God could give us a biological child. It has got to be his dream, not ours.

In the face of unfulfilled dreams, we all have a choice: trust God, or be miserable and without hope. We must say with the hymn Prince of Peace, Control My Will “May thy will, not mine be done, May thy will and mine be one”. This is particularly hard when we know that what we want is in line with the general will of God. Marriage is the general will of God, as is bearing children and the placement of orphans in families. It is right to desire these things, but we must want the fulfilment of God’s specific will for our lives more – even if it means we are denied the very things we believe God’s word leads us to desire.

God does not call us to an emotionless life. Unfulfilled dreams will, at times, be a source of grief. We can entrust our broken lives, and crushed hopes, to God and know that he does not condemn our sorrow. Yet in the midst of this God is calling those who are hurting to trust Him and believe He knows best. As we seek God, He will provide ways for us to serve Him in the circumstances He has appointed. It is in God that we find our ultimate hope and inheritance, not in earthly families and relationships. He wants us to desire Him above all else.

Visionary Daughters on friendship

In the context of recent posts on courtship, I found a few posts by Anna Sofia and Elizabeth Botkin relevant. These posts deal with the topic of friendships between men and women.

In their first article at Visionary Daughters, the sisters share their thoughts on treating one another as brothers and sisters in Christ.

Standards and rules of decorum should be regarded. The trouble is, they don’t ultimately fix the problems. Only treating the attitudes of our hearts – cultivating agape love, wisdom, thoughtfulness, and the perception and intuition to discern the need of the moment – will help us act like the sisters in Christ we should be.

Try to act like a sister, not a prospect. Don’t be obsessed with your own eligibility, or theirs either, for that matter. Selfless, honest interaction with young men has the potential to edify, stimulate, educate, inspire and encourage both parties.

In a subsequent post, they answer a 14-year-old's question about whether friendships between boys and girls should be different from those between girls.

The danger here isn’t just boy-girl relationships. It’s fool-fool relationships. There is this danger in friendships between girls, too. Yet age shouldn’t really be the basis of “discrimination” either, any more than gender. The issue is spiritual maturity.

Finally, they address the topic of whether guys and girls can be "just friends" without emotional entanglement.

Few of us have ever seen friendships between young men and women conducted in an entirely pure and honorable way.

We believe the problem is not with friendship, but with sin. Sadly, sin and selfishness are what drive most the relationships of today’s youth.

In my opinion, each of these posts presents a lot of wisdom. They are worth reading in full.

Principles for Courtship

You’ve finally found someone you think might be Mr (or Mrs) Right. What is your courtship supposed to look like? Google courtship and you’ll find a multitude of opinions. Ultimately though, the Bible is our guide. Call it dating, going out, or whatever you like. The point is that as Christians we need to seek God about the way we do things. Here are some principles I believe are relevant and applicable to couples in all kinds of situations . . .

1. Make sure you're both ready to consider marriage. Dating or courtship should only be entered into if both people are considering marriage, and are ready for it. Readiness can be defined as a willingness and ability to take on the responsibilities of marriage. Courtship is a time to seriously consider a lifelong commitment. If this is not the intention, you may be toying with the emotions and future of a sister or brother in Christ.

2. Seek out godly counsel. Listen to others, especially parents. My father is not a Christian and did not take an active role in setting standards for my relationship with Dave. However, I still asked him for his thoughts about Dave. I have heard many stories of people who ignored their parents’ warnings and came to grief. Unless parents’ views stem from selfishness or unbiblical ideas, they should be treated with the utmost gravity. If parents are not available to give counsel, seek out the advice of pastors and others. Dave and I asked the advice of friends and pastors as well as parents.

3. Honesty is essential in a courtship if both people are to get to know each other. There should be no pretence, and if possible it is good to see each other in a variety of situations.

4. Set clear standards with regard to physical contact. Dave and I are enormously grateful for our decision not to even kiss before marriage. You might not make that call, but other clear boundaries will be necessary if purity is to be maintained (unless you are unnaturally self controlled)!

5. Decide on a time frame. If you’ve decided on what you’re looking for, and you have godly counsel, it shouldn’t take years to decide whether or not to marry. If there is still uncertainty after the time frame you decided on, take a break to consider what God wants. Don’t tie someone up for years with no long-term commitment, especially if you’re not 22. It is not smart or loving.

6. Don't expect things to be perfect. Some people seem to think that if they can only hit on the right method of courtship, it will all be beautiful. They think that they'll be able to avoid hurts. However, our sin and frailties always make relationships risky.

Personally, Dave and I found courtship difficult at times. It was hard to define what our relationship was, and hard to keep saying “if” about our future. Conservative Christian ideas about courtship often focus on ideas such as “emotional purity” and withholding your heart prior to engagement. I found myself feeling guilty for loving Dave. In the end I realised that while remaining emotionally detached might be a good idea, it would require support and help from parents and friends who agreed with this viewpoint. In the points I’ve listed above, I’ve deliberately avoided recommendations that rely upon being part of a distinctive community or family.

How picky is too picky?

Earlier this month I wrote about how convictions should impinge upon courtship decision making. The hard part is knowing which things really matter. Back in 2006, I wrote:

As well as personal convictions that are so strong they are faily non-negotiable, most of us have preferences about what we'd like. Some people love going on long hikes, and really want someone to do that with. If so, someone like me with a serious back problem is not going to be ideal for them. I have some preferences related to children. I'd like to have at least four kids (biological or adopted), and I'd like to adopt at least one child from another country. However, these preferences are not on the same level as convictions. The events of life itself could dictate that preferences do not occur, even if both the husband and the wife are in agreement.

Looking back on this, I realise that some things I'd considered preferences are actually convictions. If I am really honest (rather than trying really hard not to be too picky) I would have struggled enormously with marrying someone who would "prefer" to deliberately have few children. Why? I am actually convicted that this type of preference does not sufficiently take into account the Bible's teaching about children and sexuality.

I don't have any easy answer for how to discern between convictions and preferences. However, a useful guide may be to honestly assess whether or not you believe the Bible speaks to a particular area. If you do, your view is probably a conviction rather than a preference. Hair colour, on the other hand, can be firmly placed in the preference category! Remember also that every person is a work in progress. The person you are considering courting may not be as convicted as you are in a particular area. However, you may grow together. Dave and I have both changed as we've responded one another's viewpoints and experiences.

Co-labourers in taking dominion

This post is a continuation of the courtship series I began two months ago.

There is more to looking for Mr (or Mrs) Right than considering the traits of a godly man or woman, and paying particular attention to humility. Although I believe these are the first things it is important to consider, there are others that are also relevant. Husbands and wives are called to be co-labourers in taking dominion over the earth (Genesis 1:26 - 28). This is the Creation Mandate, and it is part of what it means to glorify God on the earth. This charge includes creating culture, and the hard work of child rearing. Married couples are to work together in their homes and in society, to do these and other things.

What does this mean in practice for those thinking about marriage? For me, one thing it means is that you must look for a life partner whom you can be in agreement with on matters that are important to you. How can you work together if you are opposed? Most of us have some personal theological or practical convictions that are strong, and impinge on how we choose to live. These will vary from person to person. I made clear decisions about these before courting Dave, and decided which of them were no compromise zones. Here is what I wrote about this before Dave and I were an item:

I see a belief that the Genesis account is literal history as foundational to my faith. The doctrine of God’s sovereignty is also important to me. I would not consider marrying someone who did not share these beliefs. I also have strong beliefs against hormonal birth control, due to my research on this matter . . . Therefore, I would not want to marry someone who wanted me to use this type of birth control. I could list a few other things, but I’m sure you get the gist! If I knew, for example, that a person was a theistic evolutionist I would not even considering going out with them. It would not matter how much I personally liked them.

I wondered if I would ever meet someone who actually believed Genesis was history and who would really let me choose not to take the Pill. It turns out that God gave me a man who sees Genesis as foundational to the Christian faith and has even led our local Creation Ministries International support group meeting a couple of times! My husband will not only "permit" me to ditch the idea of hormonal birth control, he's also just as excited as me about welcoming children into our home. Wow! Can you imagine? I still shake my head and wonder if it is possible at times!

I share this in the hope that it will encourage you, too, to hope and to wait for the person whom you can really labour with in the Lord. I'm not advocating pickiness ("oh, I just have to have a man who pulls out my chair for me"). Form your no-compromise list with much prayer and consideration of whether these things are truly important. If you really feel passionate about something, and feel it is integral to who you are as a person and to your faith, you should ask God for someone who also shares that conviction. You will be able to work better together, and you will be happier for it.

Looking for Mr (or Mrs) Right

I once asked my sister-in-law what kind of man she thought I should marry. She answered: “The kind the Bible says”. What a great answer! It was one I had never considered before, even though it seems obvious now. I’d been thinking about the type of personality or interests a person had. Once I started thinking and reading, I found that the Bible gives us many indications of what a godly man or woman looks like. For example, Proverbs teaches that it is best to avoid women without discretion and men who are angry. Titus two teaches that the qualities of sober-mindedness in a man and love of children in a woman are to be desired.

No one is going to perfectly fulfil Biblical ideals. The key is humility. Humble people know that Jesus died for our sins, and that he can transform even the most broken and hopeless person. They recognise the authority of God’s word, and see their own weaknesses and sins. Humble people are teachable and willing to repent. This is why the number one characteristic for a person is humility. With humility, all other changes are possible through God’s grace. Without it, your partner will continually ask you to change whilst being unable or unwilling to see personal sin.

One of the many attributes that attracted me to Dave was his willingness to admit wrong. After nearly a year of marriage, this characteristic is even more important to me. We are both sinners, and we have wronged each other and God in many ways since we married. Without a willingness to admit wrong and to look to Christ for transformation, we would be utterly miserable. I am also grateful that my consideration of the characteristics of godly men and women led me to seek to live out what God had commanded of me, prior to marriage. I still have a lot of growth to do in many areas. It has been a blessing, though, to be aware of God's perspective and to have developed godlier skills and attitudes as an unmarried woman.

Ready for Courtship?

Before even thinking about courting or dating, men and women ought to know what they believe God says about marriage. The goal of courtship is to make a decision about whether or not to marry a particular person. Knowing what God says brings clarity and helps couples to build on a solid foundation. Readiness for marriage, and therefore for courtship, could be defined as a willingness to commit to living out God’s purposes. Here are some of the reasons God created marriage:

* A man needs a helper in his dominion (or creation) mandate. The dominion mandate is linked to having kids, which a man can’t do alone (Genesis 1:28). As well as this, a wife is to be her husband's primary helper in every way she can.

* God wants human beings to have companionship (Genesis 2:18).

* God instituted marriage because “He seeks godly offspring” (Malachi 2:15).

* Marriage is the relationship in which to enjoy sex and romance (Song of Songs).

* Marriage fulfils sexual desire lawfully (1 Corinthians 7).


* Couples can minister together and open their home for hospitality and other church activities. The New Testament records couples doing this.

* Marriage displays Christ’s relationship with His church (Ephesians 5).

The Bible also makes role distinctions within marriage. Men are to lead, and carry the responsibility before God for the spiritual welfare of their wives and households. Women are to submit to this leadership. Men have the main responsibility before God for financial provision. Women have the main responsibility for day-to-day childcare and domestic concerns. You may not agree with all my conclusions here, but the important thing is to search the scriptures and come to decisions about what you do believe is God’s will.

Courtship matters

Two years ago I shared my thoughts about courtship and marriage in this ridiculously long post. Back then I was single. Now that Dave and I have been married nearly a year, I’d like to revisit the topic in a series of posts. Some of the “courtship matters” posts will be revisions of my old “On marriage” post, and there will also be new material.

Why bother?

Courtship matters. The decisions that are made about romantic relationships prior to marriage have an effect upon the rest of your life.

Marriage matters. In the chapter subsequent to the Creation Mandate, God told us that the man needed a helper. He could not complete his mandate alone. Husbands and wives are co-labourers in taking godly dominion over the earth.

Trusting God matters. We can’t do this alone. Marriage is important to God, and it is something Christians should aspire to if they are not called to singleness. However, honouring and knowing God is the greatest goal.